I can’t church shop, even if I want to.

I recently applied for a job at our church. I was really excited about the job and thought I would be a great fit. In case you hadn't heard, pastors don't make a ton of money and stay-at-home moms make even less, so I was eager to combine my passions in the workplace and have a little income boost. Maybe we could get some takeout pizza with extra toppings every now and then! I had half a notebook scribbled with ideas, and I could already feel the excitement rising in my chest.

I didn’t get the job.

Now, that’s not what bothers me. I'm not that petty.

I get that sometimes I’m not going to be the best fit for a job. Ultimately, I want what’s best for the church and for the ministries going on there. With this job in particular, it mattered to me because it impacted the young family life of our church community, which I am deep in the trenches of. However, here’s the kicker with being a pastor‘s wife: I can’t search for that same job elsewhere. I can’t go to another church and see if there’s another job opening. I’m stuck where I am, and to make matters even more complicated, I have to watch someone else do the job that I so desperately wanted.

And I can’t leave. I can’t dive into my professional interests at this point. My notebook is going to have to go back on a shelf, with all its scribbled ideas and dreams.

I just have to let it slide and support my husband with a plastered-on smile as he pursues his passion and vocation in the church, while I feel myself dwindling away, becoming just a stay-at-home mom and just "Pastor's Wife". I start to wonder if my personality or interests matter at all. I don’t even have a name to many of congregants. I’m just Pastor’s Wife. They see me with the girls at the playground and tell their kids, "That’s Pastor‘s family" and whisper a bit more. They don’t give me or my girls names. And when I try to make a name for myself in the church and get plugged into my own way, it doesn’t work out, and when it doesn’t work out, I don’t get a second chance or have any other avenues to look down to pursue that job or vocation until my husband takes a new call.

I don’t think most congregation members realize how much is sacrificed by the pastor's family. I want to support my husband, and I do love our church, and I especially love the people, but I am honestly quite limited as to what I can do there. If there aren’t ministries that are a good fit for me or my family, I just don’t get those supports and ministries. Period. I don't get to shop around for a better fit.

I can’t leave the church until my husband does, and the thing about the call process is that we can’t just go looking for jobs or other areas that we would be more interested in. We have to wait for a vacant or seeking church to approach us in a very convoluted way. Until then, I’m stuck.

People ask me why I’m not more involved or why they don’t see me around as much as they’ve seen other pastors' wives. I answer that I’m busy or that the girls' schedules get in the way, and this is true, but I also am unwilling to be super involved because I didn’t choose this church. This church chose us.

I've never chosen my own church. I grew up a pastor's daughter, and now I'm a pastor's wife. Just take a moment to absorb that: I've never attended a church that I actually chose.

And I’m still finding my place. The reality is that as a pastor's wife, I may never find my place at this church beyond being his wife.

I’ll keep praying and looking for ways to plug in, but for now, you can find me at home with my girls, figuring out who I am when the world only wants to see me as my husband‘s accessory.

Joy in Jesus,

The Pastor's Wife