I have favorites.

And doesn't everyone? Let's not lie to ourselves.

Any normal person in church (really, in any social situation) is going to have favorites. It's inevitable. You'll connect better with some than others. You'll find someone who also crochets ducklings, or that knows the local hiking trails better than you do. You'll seek that person out at the next potluck or maybe even set up a time to get coffee on Wednesday.

And how is this bad for the pastor's family?

I'm a former teacher. "No teacher is supposed to play favorites," right? I disagree.

I don't think teachers (or pastors, or fill-in-the-blank) should dispense harmful treatment, or unjust treatment. However, equal is not just. The same treatment of everyone ignores the fact that we are all unique children of God with varied needs, temperaments, and interests.

When I was teaching, I had some students who I connected better with than others, and the feeling was mutual. We'd chat more comfortably about our weekends or have a more relaxed time in the art station. With other students, trying to strike up a conversation over scissors and glue was like pulling teeth. I think that's human and healthy. I didn't take it personally, and I think those students also didn't mind that I wasn't hounding them every minute, trying to make them love me.

That's not to say I didn't love and respect and care for the students I connected with less. Absolutely not. Although I didn't have a kinship with some students, I had a working relationship with them, even if they were 3 years old. I met their educational needs and pushed them to work hard for their goals. I knew them well and cared so deeply for them that I would weep on weekends, wondering if their moms were checking in with them like they needed. I checked in with them and rushed in with comfort when their eyes welled up at drop-off. But were these the kids that sought out seats next to me at the lunch table? No.

I think it's the same with a pastor, although none of us like to say it aloud.

When I was growing up as a pastor's kid, we had many rules. One that stands out is this:

"We can't play favorites, honey."

This meant that we couldn't have real "friends" in the church. We naturally had people we gravitated to, especially us kids. There were people that became second and third sets of parents and grandparents to us. These people are still heroes in my life to this day. However, we couldn't say it aloud. We couldn't have them over for dinner or have playdates. It was this unspoken rule that separated us from them: the normal people at church. I'm not sure who made the rule. Was it my parents? Was it the seminary training of the day?

I had a best friend growing up named Beth. We could play together after church, but have a playdate? Nope. That would be favoritism because her family were members at church. If I had a playdate with Beth, what would the rest of the members think? They'd feel like we loved them less, of course! Jealousy would take over the culture of the church and we'd be thrown out on our tails!

I wish I could tell 2001 me how ridiculous that sounds on 2025 ears.

Dear pastors' wives: have favorites. Please do. Make true friends and invest deeply in them. Have them over for dinner and football games. Make them your children's godparents and go to their kids' band concerts. I promise, lightning bolts will not rain down on you.

But what if someone gets jealous?

Of what? That you're human and need friendship? That you managed to make friends and they didn't? If you're a member of a pastor's family, odds are good that you moved to your current location with only a Google search's worth of information on the place and left your friends and family behind long ago. Thank God for FaceTime, but it's not going to replace a literal shoulder to cry on.

If someone gets jealous (and not one soul has confronted me on this to date), they are firmly in the wrong. Hands down, no contest. They need to hear that you and your husband can and do have friends, and what a blessing it is to make such close connections with people who share your faith and values. Do they really want us to only make friends in the secular world? (No disrespect to that-I have non-churched friends, too.) Is it such a terrible crime to connect with someone who also chose this church and its various activities/ministries?

Aren't churches designed to be places of worship and fellowship?

Dear pastor's wife, you are not exempt from having a friend.

My dearest friend goes to my church. I met her because we share a church and both of our husbands are called workers at our church. She and her husband are godparents to our kids and us to theirs. We have weekly playdates and send texts confirming which church events we'll brave together before heading out to the event. Do people notice? Of course! The old grannies dote on the way our kids are a packaged deal and run fearlessly between adults. Other young parents join in with our kids, and we get to know them, too.

To flip this on its head, do you have to be friends with everyone?

Again, no. (You're starting to hear "no" a lot from me, aren't you?)

There are several women from churches we've attended who have repeatedly tried to get together with me for coffee/playdates/dinner/etc. Some connections just haven't worked due to schedules, and others I've frankly avoided because I didn't much care for the person in the conversations we have had. Sounds like the real world, doesn't it? I am never going to be intentionally unkind, but I also am secure enough in this phase of early parenthood and early-ish marriage to know that I don't need to stretch myself thin connecting with people I don't enjoy. It's not worth my time or theirs.

Pastors' wives are not aliens from an alternate reality with no need for friendship and/or a magical ability to be bosom friends with everyone. I know I'm not. I've got a resting b*tch face that scares 6ft tall men out of conversation with me. I don't make friends easily and the ones I have I intend to keep.

So hold tight to whatever friends you can make, in or out of church. Thank God for them; He created us to be social creatures in need of connection and it's a beautiful thing when He fills those needs in such a convenient place as church.

Love,

The Pastor's Wife