Above Reproach

“Now the overseer is to be above reproach, faithful to his wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach…”

1 Timothy 3:2

This morning, I came across the news that an LCMS pastor in Missouri, not only a pastor, but a district president, was arrested and investigated by the FBI for child pornography production and abuse.

Now, I normally keep my politics pretty close to my chest. In fact, I normally don’t care much for politics or anything of that nature. But I think when it comes to child abuse, there’s no politics. There is only evil. I think any decent human being can agree that abusing a child in any way is despicable.

My eyes flooded with tears as I read the report. I browsed through the Facebook comments, and my heart grew heavier and heavier as I saw comments circling the same issue: the church is responsible. Clergy are by nature predators.

My heart flooded with pain.

I hope that individual has a special place in hell reserved for him. I know that’s a terrible thing to say, but I simply cannot find it in me to track down a speck of pity for him. I cannot fathom how a man living such a double life could truly be seeking Christ. I am baffled that someone could proclaim Christ's love for the little children on Sundays, then creep into bedrooms on weeknights.

And, to add to it, I hate that the Facebook commentary on that post wasn’t altogether wrong. There’s a huge number of clergy (and individuals in all sorts of positions of power) across all denominations facing the same charges.

What can we do? What is there to be done?

I’m somebody who likes a task. I like to fix things. How can I fix this?

I can’t.

But maybe I can give some guidance to other wives who might stumble across this post, so that we may be vigilant and keep our eyes wide open to the people we trust with the children in our churches.

My husband is serving at a large church as a pastor, and one of his primary responsibilities is working with youth ages 0 to 21. I can’t tell you the anxiety I've had since hearing the news of these horrible events. I’ve been crazy with worry about what people would think of him and his interactions with their children. More than anything, I want people to feel safe in their churches. I plead with God that they find solace in His arms, not hurt at the hands of His workers.

My husband and I met at a Christian summer camp. At the tender age of 16, while serving as high school volunteers, we were faced with the truth of what child abuse can look like. We were given exceedingly high standards of integrity to meet, and even higher standards of accountability to maintain in order to keep the children entrusted to us safe. If we refused to follow these orders, we would be dismissed. Plain and simple.

We were fortunate, although shaken as teens, to have these truths taught to us as young people. We learned to take nothing for granted. We learned to watch for signs to report.

When my husband was in his first year of seminary, he laid down a few rules he would follow from that day on, no matter what. He understood the seriousness of his upcoming role as a spiritual leader. He took on the weight of a life "above reproach" as required in 1 Timothy.

His rules:

1. I am always able to see where he is. Thanks to modern technology. I can track him at all times via my phone. Now, usually, I use that function to see how long until he gets home from work while my toddler screams in my ear, but in an extreme scenario, I would know exactly where he is. No exceptions.

2. My husband is never alone with anyone of the opposite gender. There are no exceptions. He keeps to a very strict 'rule of three' in all interactions with women. This might mean asking an additional volunteer to come to youth group. It might mean keeping his office door open just a bit during a counseling session. It might mean asking the senior pastor to sit in a meeting. No one has ever raised a complaint when he explains why these precautions are necessary and assures them that their privacy will be maintained. I think people actually hold him in higher regard because he’s willing to protect them and himself in a modern day where, unfortunately, misconduct is all too common in the church. He's showing the woman that he values her safety because he holds himself and other men to this standard. He's showing he values our relationship by ensuring no false allegations can come into play.

3. He also maintains a rule of three with children of any gender. He never takes a child to the nurse's office alone. He never allows the youth leader to go home when only one child is remaining to be picked up. At all times, there is a witness to maintain his integrity. At times, this has caused logistical problems, like when a child needs a ride home or needs to be taken to a medical facility for an emergency, but he has never had to break this rule.

Now, this might seem overkill. He's not an abuser. He's not a cheater. He's a good pastor. But Scripture tells us that church leaders need to be above reproach, so that there can't even be an allegation of wrongdoing. Such allegations hurt individuals, they hurt the church, and I have to believe they grieve God. There is no coming back from a serious charge, even if it is proved untrue.

Pastors are entrusted with so much. Faith journeys, secrets, traumas, confessions. They have historically been pillars of goodness. I will openly admit, there have been times when I've gotten a leg up on a job opening because I'm a pastor's wife, so naturally, that must mean I'm a "good person". An honest person. Someone you can trust. This is the mentality we must demolish, starting with us.

Here’s where my fix-it brain comes into play. I implore my fellow pastors’ wives to start by taking a hard look at your husband. I know you don't think he's doing anything wrong, but take a hard look at what could happen. If a twisted person were in his shoes, what advantages would they have on the people they serve? Who would notice? What would stop it? Protect his role by urging him to set up rules of his own that match his context. My husband's top 3 are universally applicable, from rural North Dakota to urban Miami.

Next, look at other pastors, leaders, and active volunteers. Not to judge them, but to evaluate the safety of their roles. Are there appropriate measures to protect children and adults from any form of wrongdoing? Are they alone with anyone? Why? Could the wrong person use this role in a damaging way? Urge them to enforce these same three rules.

But Emily, what if I get pushback?

That's a red flag. If we take the protection of the individuals in our church seriously, no one should object on the basis of logistics. Not in 2026.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m a trained teacher. In fact, I’m a trained early childhood teacher. Unfortunately, this age group is one of the most targeted by abusers, so I've had extensive training to avoid and identify signs of abuse. Traditionally, when we think of an abuser, we think of somebody with a skinny mustache who hangs around playgrounds in a ratty white tank and visually fits the bill. He looks creepy. He's single. He's got a dingy apartment. But modern child abuse awareness and protection training teaches us that these are not the majority of culprits.

We need to look at the people who are too eager to volunteer. The people who work a little too hard to become friends with the children, or with you, the gatekeepers to the children. Remember, adults are not tasked with being friends to the youth that they serve. Mentors and teachers, but not friends. And anyone who is a gatekeeper to children who is not willing to follow the rule of three? There are major red flags there.

If a person is unwilling to follow the rule of three and other applicable guidelines to ensure their safety and the children's safety, tell someone who can talk to them about it.

I feel a deep conviction (I know we Lutherans hate that word-I'm using it anyway) that we pastors' wives are the first line of defense. We have our eyes on what’s going on, but we are not on the church's payroll. Ask the hard questions. Step out of the "not here" mentality and ensure that it doesn't happen in your midst. Takes serious steps in the modern world to weed out any behaviors that could prove problematic in the future. I am asking you to open your eyes to what wrongdoing could be happening undetected in your midst.

Now, I am 100% certain that my husband is not an abuser in any way, shape, or form. However, taking a few simple steps has made a huge impact in the way parents feel dropping their kids off for youth group, how a widow feels coming in for grief counseling, and how mothers feel sending their toddlers to nursery. It shows that our church takes our members seriously, and want our members to feel like church is home.

Are the leaders in your church willing to follow the same rules?

I don’t care if you’re in a tiny church in rural North Dakota or in a mega church in Texas; these rules (and honestly, you should probably add a few more) are easy to follow. If it isn't, or if there’s pushback to these rules, there shouldn’t be a youth event going on at all.

And I really do mean that.

I pray that we can turn the tide. I pray that the modern church in all denominations opens its eyes to what abuse actually looks like. I hope that we can strip away the fallacy of the "not me" church. Let us take a moment to approach our congregations with a hard view so that we may relax together with integrity. How much good could be done and what child’s childhood could we save if every church took a hard look at itself?

And how many more people could we bring to faith if it were evident that the church was working hard to root out evil in its midst? I pray that someday the comments on posts like this would point to sin in the world rather than the church or God as the culprit.

I know, even in my lowest moments, that God loves the little children. He protects the little children. And he entrusts us as adults, whether church leaders or lay people, to protect his children. Let us destroy anything in our sphere of influence that would cause a child to lose their childhood.

Love,

The Pastor's Wife